Q&A: The Alcoholics guide to surviving a night out in Bournemouth

Woken up, (yet again) to the familiar sight of empty bottles, clothes astrewn across the floor, and the garlicy wreak of a 4am questionable doner kebab lingering? Heck, maybe you've even woken up with a strange mexican man at the other end of the bed. Eitherway, you're probably feeling confused, queasy, and basically like you want to die (be it of shame or otherwise).
So, how to avoid this next time? Let's face it, we're students, and in spite of that declaration that you will "never drink again", undoubtedly you will find yourself in the middle of the SU Bar 2 days later, insistant that you're just popping in for a "cheeky pint". And queue the vicious circle of liver abuse once more.
So read ahead, and arm yourself with the student's guide to surviving a night out in Bournemouth - and hopefully you won't end up atAA...


So, it's 6pm, and we've all decided we want to go out tonight. What to do first?!

Thankfully, and most of all, conveniantly for us students, our halls of residence are but a mere stonesthrow away from Asda, andTesco Express. So stock up on booze. Probably not the most moderate way of beginning a night, but either way you're going to end up drinking, so you may as well get some on the cheap. Don't be that person that turns up to pre-drinks empty handed also. Noone likes a scrounger. While you're raiding the isles, pick up some munch- the least you can do to apologise to the abuse your body is about to suffer is give it a "final meal" beforehand. Drinking on an empty stomach is like attempting to drive blindfolded- you won't last long, and it's guaranteed to end in disaster.


Everyone's suggesting drinking games...?

If you've endured almost a years worth of the glorified student lifestyle, and you are yet to hear of the infamous "ring of fire"...then well done, bookworm....but seriously!?? Have you actually survived this far locked away in your room in the dark with a book over your head?!
Drinking games are an inevitability upon arrival to any flat/house party or general pre-drinks. But don't get carried away. The rapid rate at which your body is consuming alcohol is likely to make you surpass the tipsy stage- even the sheer drunken stage- and before you know it you're passed out in the corner before your nights barely even began. So pace yourself. Drinking spirits? Make themeasures smaller. Perhaps once one drink is finished, make the next one a tipple-free version? Noone is gonna notice a fingerful of vodka missing from your glass, but they're sure as hell bound to if you're puking up in the middle of their living room. Typical, eh?


We're trying to decide which club to head out to- But there's so many! How to decide?

Let your wallet guide you. Or to put it more simply- go wherevers cheap. The vast majority of Bournemouth's clubs hold special student promotional night's with offers on selected drinks. Not only is this going to put your student loan through less of a potential bashing, but ensure you don't end up looking a bit weird in the middle of a deserted club. The following is a basic guide for any timetabling rookies...
Monday: V/ Kukui
Tuesday: Toast at Bliss
Wednesday: The infamous Fuzzy logic at Lava Ignite
Thursday: Chilli White/ Kukui
Friday: Lollipop at The Old Firestation
(I'm missing out Saturdays and Sundays, even the slackiest of students need to revise and recover at some point)


It's so busy in here! How am I going to last 4 hours in this place?

Carry on drinking at the rate you probably have been at pre-drinks (despite my best advice) and you, quite simply, won't. So don't succumb to the immediate pull of the Bar as soon as you step foot in the damn place. The queues are likely to leave you waiting impatiently for a good half hour during this entry period anyway, and no one wants to waste crucial bust-a-move time.
Safety in numbers is also another point. No matter how appealing it is to bugger off for 10 minutes to talk to that really cute guy at the other end of the bar, you can guarantee the moment you go to reunite yourself with your mates, they won't be there. Same goes for anyone going to the toilet by themselves, to the bar by themselves, or generally moving anything more than 3 metre radius away from their collective group of revellers. Attempts to phone them will be futile, they'll either be a) too drunk to notice their mobile going off, b) It'll be too noisy for them too even hear it going off, or 3), sod's law will ensure you have no signal. And you probably won't find them for the rest of the night, especially if you're at Lava, with 4 different areas split over 3 floors. Eeek. We've all got thatfriend that always wanders off on a night out haven't we...?


2am lag is kicking in. How do I make it another hour?!

Not surprisingly, it's 2am, and your poor withered body has thus far coped with numerous alcohol units, hours of dodgy bumping and grinding, and you're a tad battered and bruised after falling over onto your ass in the middle of the dance floor (which you willmaintain was courtesy of those 4 inch heels and not those last 5 Jagerbombs) But this is the home-stretch, hang in there!
Water. Water is your friend. Down as much as possible, rehydrate yourself, and best of all, it won't cost you a penny. Bye-bye death-breath...
Sit down. Have a rest. This isn't to condone a 20 minute nap upon the realisation that sofa's in clubs can be surprisingly comfortable. But your feet will thank you in endless amounts to give them a little break.
And hey, if you're feeling really tired, just go home! I've learnt that the next day, you usually only remember the  last couple of hours of the night before, so if your last couple of hours you're feeling like the grim reaper, forget your bravado and call it quits!


3.30am. Kicking out time, and definately home time. But I can barely remember my name, let along where I live...?!

This is yet another stage of the night where men will have the upper hand. Clad in footwear not possessing any kind of deathly heel, in our opinion you're practically fit to run a marathon. So guys, be prepared to become a human-donkey service and have ladies demanding piggy-backs. Never walk home by yourself, you'll undoubtedly end up lost and stranded, and find yourself in a vulnerable position, prey to any nasties about. Failing this, and in the unlikey event that you actually have some money left, order a taxi. But for God's sakes, don't get into one by yourself. If the recent tragic murder of Joanna Yeates taught us anything, it was this. I'm not denying that Bournemouth is a lovely, safe place to live. But there are some strange characters about, just as in other place in the world- so it's better to be safe. Plus purely from a paupers point of view, shared taxi's = shared fares. Ka-ching.


Finally made my way back to the flat! Result. What last-minute tricks can I use to sober up and avoid tomorrows hangover?

Lucky enough to live outside a fast food joint? Brilliant. A hearty, carb-based meal will soak up the majority of that lovely cocktail of various drinks sloshing away merrily in your stomach. But a golden rule: If you wouldn't eat it when sober, then you probably shouldn't eat it when drunk. E.g.- Subway, good, doner kebab with extra everything...bad. Very very bad.
If upon your arrival back home sweet home you shall be indulging in a little home dining, make sure you have a designated Chef-overseer. And by this I mean, the slightly less inebriated friend that makes sure you don't slice your hand whlst opening various packets and tins (I've done this, and it hurts a LOT) shamelessly pinch food from your flatmates freezer stash, or fall asleep while yourchicken dippers are grilling away in the oven (again, done this, and I can honestly say that 6am boulders of charcoal aren't so appealing).


Forget the food, I've pulled! How do I end up not regretting this?

So many teens have said that they'd be more likely to sleep with someone when drunk they wouldn't normally when sober. Beer goggles can make the spottiest, greasiest creep seem a total lothario, and make you act in the spur of the moment (basically snogging off  greasy face of said creep). End up back at their flat? I wouldn't advise taking things too quickly,but que sera, we are students so the worst will inevitably happen. The only advice I can give is to always use protection, no matter how awkward it seems. Ending up with a nasty STI, or even pregnant, and boy, you'll feel a whole lot more awkward. In the event of emergency, the morning after pillis available from many pharmacies for around £25, or free from Family planning clinics or your Doctor.


It's the next morning. How to I stop this constant urge to be sick!?

Should've read these tips before hand, idiot. Drink some water, eat some toast, have a Berocca and wallow in self-pity in front of theiplayer for the rest of the day.


With any luck, these few tips will bode useful on your next night out. Oh, and just a few golden rules: Don't do drugs, don't talk to murders, and in the wise words of Coach Carr a la Mean Girls... "Don't have sex. Cos you will get pregnant. And die". So kids, whatever you do, don't forget your condoms.

Irresponsible drinking isn't big or clever (although it can be pretty damn funny) Visit www.drinkaware.co.uk

Food (or lack of) in the News...Orthorexia TV Package

In contrast to the usual gorge-yourself-until-it-hurts ethic of this blog, I produced this TV package, revolving around eating disorders; and orthorexia in particular.
In spite of the subject recently being given a lot of press attention, being the curious little beaver that I am, I decided to delve a little deeper into the subject and in turn, share my knowledge and wisdom and all that jazz with you...
Eitherway, after many an hour spent locked away in an editing suite, this is the final spangly product....be kind please.

On the menu...Saturday 12th

Rump Steak with New Potatoes and Maddy's Special Cauliflower Cheese

I bet I know what you're thinking.

STEAK! Mmm...

POTATOES! Mmm...

Mush on the side...WHAT'S THAT!?

This shall be revealed later in a separate post. Ooo, a sense of food related mystery...(and by that I mean the good kind, not the "when exactly did this go out of date?!" kind, often resulting in an unpleasant spot of food poisoning).

Anyway...

Feeling infinitely proud of my ability to feed up my fella, reeling off the sense of smugness from my previous night's achievements, I decided stepping up my game was the only way forward. And, stereotypically, in my opinion, where this is involved, steak must be involved. (Especially considering it almost coincided with a particular...*ahem*...alternative date on the foodie calendar...)

Let's get this straight. If you're going to cook a steak, for heavens sake cook it right! A well done steak in my humble opinion a crime against meat, a cow's death in vain...But no pressure.

A few cheeky tips for cooking the perfect steak!

1. Season. Salt and pepper is an essential. 

2. Oil the meat, not the pan. Not only does it save on waste and mess, but ensures that the entire surface area of the meat is protected before cooking.

3. Massage your meat. Yes, I am aware of how perverse this sounds, and no, this isn't a trick to make you appear as though you have some kind of meat fetish. By giving your steak a thorough rubbing with oil, it tenderizes it, making it juicier and easier to chew when cooked.

4. Ensure your pain is sizzling hot. You'll know it's ready when steam starts rising from it. Hello Mr convector-fan, it's time for a workout...

Griddle power

5. Don't play with your meat. Another unintentional innuendo. To elaborate, once you've placed your steak in the griddle pan, don't mess it about, flipping it over every 10 seconds. We're all guilty of it. But be patient! Blackened griddle marks are a positive sign.

6. Depending on the thickness of the steak and your cooking preference this will obviously differ, but for a medium-rare steak (my preference!) allow the meat to cook on each side until it has visibly cooked (the outside colour will turn from red to pale brown), and no signs of redness can be seen from any side or angle. Then allow a minute or so's extra cooking time on top of this. If, like me, you've heard the old "if it feels like the left side of your palm its well done, or under your thumb its rare" -type mythical nonsense, IGNORE IT! You'll only confuse yourself, and in the process of navigating around your own hand, massacre your steak.

As snug as a bug in a rug...or a steak in
some tin-foil. Practically the same thing.

7. Once you're happy, remove it from the pan and seal in a layer of tin-foil for a few minutes. Don't worry, it won't go cold! This allows the steak to soak back up it's own juices making it, you guessed it, uber juicy!

8. Plate up with your favourite accompaniment...my own cauliflower cheese recipe is a definite winner...

9. Eat it you fool!

On the menu...Friday 11th

Gnocchi with Choritzo, Mushrooms and Spinach in a Tomato and Garlic Sauce

"This is the best thing you've ever cooked me"

- Ben Bishop, 2011

Nothing quite like the innocent words of your Boyfriend to transport you back to a 50's stylee regime of domesticity.

Either I should take such critical "acclaim" as a sincere compliment, an ode to my impromptu culinary abilities...or take it as a subtle hint that the vast majority of the time I feed him garbage. I prefer to think that it isn't the latter.

Admittedly, this heaped mess does somewhat resemble a Dog's dinner. But looks can be deceiving, and take my word, this little beaut of a concoction is just as comforting and delicious as it is easy to prepare.

Some of you may be unaware of gnocchi, what it is, how to make it, how even to eat it! (-Well I don't know how Kitchen-smart you are!) For those of you who this applies to, expand your culinary horizons!

Ultimately comforting and wholesome, gnocchi consists of part mashed potato and pasta mix. A combination of 2 of these wonderfully starchy, carbohydrate-packed ingredients, it's surprisingly filling. 

Homemade gnocchi is relatively simple and cheap- there are plenty of recipes out there. My flatmate made a large batch of it, which took her around an hour, however she is part Italian which immediately roused my suspicion as to how much easier she'd find preparing it though! So for the rest of us simpletons, unless you really have nothing better to do (assignments, anyone?!) I'd suggest just buying a pack. I went for an Asda 'Extra Special' version -I'd love to say my reasons for this were that I was feeling a little more extravagant than usual,but alas, I just couldn't find the cheap version and I REALLY wanted gnocchi! Que sera sera.

On the menu...Wednesday 9th

Poached Smoked Cod with New Potatoes, a Garlic Mushroom and Broccoli

So, in spite of my best efforts to justify my calorific meals with any excuse possible (the classic "I'M A STUDENT" appearing most frequently) I had quite horrendously fallen off the healthy eating Bandwagon. Well and truly. In fact, not only did I fall, I tumbled heftily before landing with a earth-shaking shudder and rolling on down the road. A feat not entirely impossible considering the spherical shape of my rotund tum. 

So, along came this svelte little creation. Looking as though it should appear among the pages of a Weight Watchers Manual, I can feel myself slipping back into those size 8 jeans which until now had remained hidden with embarrassment at the back of my wardrobe.

The preparation of this plate was pretty standard...boil your potatoes, then your broccoli, fry off some garlic, add it to the mushroom then oven bake...nothing too accomplished. My only lazy attempt at providing a handy tip would be poaching the fish in milk as opposed to water- It gives it a meatier, richer texture. Although, as you can see from my efforts above, this won't save it from a crumbly fate when removing from the plan. Oh, and be wary of over-boiling your brocolli into a mushy oblivion- I made this fatal mistake; and can safely say that as trendy as purées may be on Masterchef, accidental broccoli purée-ing in the average student kitchen isn't half as apealling.

Nevermind, it all ends up in the same place anyway- and I'm guessing you won't be posting pictures of your dinnertime accomplishments on the World Wide Web as I am. Weirdo.

On the menu...Thursday 3rd

Mexican Night!

Sombreros, piñatas and tequila at the ready....well, perhaps forget the tequila on grounds of liver abuse...

Themed meal nights are a great way of getting in the mood to go out, celebrating someone's birthday, or simply just to save money on food by sharing the costs with your flatmates!

Yes, enchiladas and quesadillas covered in oozing cheese may not be the most artery-kind choice, but to critics, I say: We had salad on the side so NERRR.

It's unlikey that authentic Mexican cuisine would be prepared in this way, just as I'm almost certain that the Chinese don't eat crispy duck pancakes and drown everything in toxically gelatinous sweet and sour sauce 24/7. But to us blissfully unaware Brits, the basis of most Mexican based dishes consist of pretty similar ingredients, so if you're contemplating a Mexican feast then you'll definitely need:

In case you ever wondered...THIS is what 
an entire block's worth of cheese in grated
 form looks like!

 Flour tortilla wraps

Chicken

Spice mix/marinade

Peppers

Sweetcorn

Onion

Tomato relish/purée

Cheese...and plenty of it!

Fry all raw ingredients off in a wok

A spot of fancy handwork is about the trickiest skill required, so any origami pro's may wish to take this opportunity to boast their skills. Enchiladas need to be filled and rolled in the same style as a fajita would be, however placed in a baking dish, covered in sauce and cheese, then further reheated. Quesadilla's can be folded, flattened then fried in a pan on the stove, almost like a festive equivalent of the humble old toastie. Arriba!

On the Menu...Tuesday 1st

Unidentifiable meat product with Ratatouille

So, first things first: Immediate apologies for my significant lack of posts over the last week. 

Unfortunately for my waistline ever-hopeful of shrinking, reasons for this were not that I simply did not eat; nor could I claim to have been bogged down by Uni work (-well, Radio package and Online journalism essay aside, however that was due to my poor organisational skills)

My excuse? Quite simply, I have been eating filth. Utter GRIME. Until now I have been too ashamed to divulge this onto the general public. And as I'm pretty certain nobody wants to look at pictures of empty gin/vodka/cider/wine bottles (shudder) and various foodstuff's covered in pastry, I deemed this decision as just on the grounds of THE GREATER GOOD. It was only a matter of time until I (quite magnificently) fell off the healthy bandwagon.

So, in attempts to coax my stomach into accepting normality once more, this meal appeared a friendly compromise. 

For now, please turn a blind eye to the revolting slab of what I can only presume was in a previous life, a burger, and focus on the slightly more virtuous side of the plate.

Sadly, I take just as much satisfaction I being able to spell ratatouille as I do eating it, however, this ruby red side-dish shouldn't be sniffed at.

Traditionally made by frying onions, garlic, courgettes, aubergines and peppers together then combining with tomatoes, this can be easily be adapted depending on what random extra items of veg you have lurking at the bottom of your fridge. Courgettes are an essential base however.

In my case, this was mushrooms and cauliflower. Lightly fry the vegetables together in a large pan or wok, then when soft, bung in a can of chopped tomatoes, allow to simmer, and season with Italian herbs. If the sauce is a little bitter, add a spoonful of sugar or cheat with a cheeky dollop of ketchup. I always did believe ketchup was a necessity to the best of meals!

On the menu...Thursday 24th

Breaded Monkfish with Peppers, Courgettes, Mushrooms and Spaghetti in a Pesto Sauce

I'm in no denial that the description of this meal sounds horrifically pretentious, however there's little way of avoiding this, I'm suddenly finding when a meal contains more than three ingredients. That, and the fact that I felt it necessary to redeem myself in the (slightly ponsy) culinary stakes after the previous nights dreary supper consisting of heaps of greenery and fish cakes. Healthy, perhaps, but it doesn't make for interesting viewing! Who said a student's kitchen was a pride-less zone?!

So tonight's offering may look a little more restaurant worthy (I emphasise the word LITTLE), but yet again, I have Asda's reduced counter to thank for the slightly more elaborate ingredients! You should see me around that damn counter, like a vulture! Breadcrumbs are also a fiendish way of putting stale bread to use; whack it in a food processor, and Bob's your Uncle!

Pesto, I'm increasingly discovering can perk up the blandest of meals, and considering it's concentrated flavour, stretches a long way. For example, where a jar of pre-made pasta sauce, you'll only get one or two servings from, only 1 spoon-sized scoop of this gleaming emerald paste is required, making it a far more economical option.

Anyway, after gloating over my nutritious, wallet friendly, and hassle-free meal, I'm off to go chomp down a Boost bar. Just to restore the Karma in my stomach of course.

Food in the News: Pasties worth protecting

A proper Cornish pasty

For 9 years, the Cornish Pasty Association has been campaigning for Protected Geographical Indicaton (PGI) status from the European Union. Alas, the time has finally dawned. Hurrah, now no longer will we be fooled by inferior imitators, but be able to know that if we are sold a Cornish Pasty, it is indeed the real Mccoy. 

So, this all may sound like the cider-induced hallucination of a farmer sat somewhere in his Somerset-static tractor (pardon the extreme stereotype). But it's hit the news in a big way, arguably for its sheer weird-factor. So here's the lowdown on what exact makes a Cornish Pasty, well...Cornish.

1. As ridiculously simple as it may sound, it must be Cornish. No, not produced by anyone by the name of Cornish, have corn in it or operate under any other advertising loopholes you may wish to conjure. It must have been made in Cornwall.

Cornish pasty descendant, the Devon pasty

2. Everyone's favourite part of the pasty, the crust (aka the crimp to Pasty experts) must follow a specific design. The main body of the pasty itself must form a distinct 'D' shape, and the crimp must lay to the side. Confuse with the Devon pasty at your peril, whose crimp can be seen centrally slithering across the top of the body of the pasty.

3 It must follow a strict recipe in accordance with original Cornish guidelines : "The texture of the filling is chunky, made up of uncooked minced or roughly cut chunks of beef (not less than 12.5%), swede, potato, onion with a light seasoning. The pastry casing is golden in colour, savoury, glazed with milk or egg and robust enough to retain its shape throughout the cooking and cooling process without splitting or cracking. The pasty is slow-baked and no artificial flavourings or additives must be used." 

As a proud Devonian lass, I can only show my full support to my Neighbouring Cornwall; I still recall years spent as a nipper chomping on genuine Cornish Paaaaaaasties (pronounced with a farmer-esque drawl) on the breezy yet picturesque coast of Mount Bay. And to think of imposters marketing their so-called "Cornish" Pasties, well, the thought sickens me. Well, that's a tad extreme, but at the very least surely this case should've been taken to Petty Claims Court under under false advertising a long time ago?!

Whet your appetite...

Orangette

Seriouseats

Travellerslunchbox

Food in the News: National Chip Week!

Students throughout the land rejoice- it's that time of year when our favourite snack can be shamelessly justified regardless of time, place, or the fact you've already eaten the exact same little morsels 5 times in the space of 3 days...It's National Chip Week!

21-27th February marks this momentous occasion, and this year we can binge particularly excessively due to 2011 being the events 20th anniversary. Praise be to chip Jesus!

The Potato Council's (no, I didn't realise a potato Council even existed until now either) 'Love Chips' campaign may be teetering on the brink of peculiarity with it's choice of ex-X factor contestant Andy Abraham as Spokesperson, but if it gives both this dimmed star and the humble old potato the opportunity to shine, then, in the festive spirit of things, I shall oblige.

Why not inject a little variety into your withered looking leftover potatoes? The BBC's Good Food site offers a whole host of chipper ideas, or alternatively check out my own simple Potatoes Dauphinoise recipe.

On a slightly more ironic note, National Chip Week happens to coincide with National Eating Disorders Week- slightly cruel does't quite describe it. Perhaps the two Organisations should seize this opportunity to defeat a common foe and form some kind of bizarre collaboration?! Food for thought right there.

On the menu...Tuesday 22nd

Fruit and Fibre

In spite of breakfast usually being a rare commodity in my daily lifestyle, today I decided that my 10-7 schedule must take precedence over my belly's desires. So here is my attempt, what I can only describe as resembling rabbit food. Appetising. Some could say it's the Animal Kingdom's revolutionary meeting with the Western World in its cappuccino-mug enclosure...some may just say I was too lazy to wash up a bowl. And to them, I'd say, touché.

...I'm a student? (NB-This excuse will feature frequently in this Blog)

Lucozade and Mini cheddars

5pm. By this point a normal human being may have consumed a hearty breakfast and lunch, and now even returning home to prepare tea. Oh no, hello awkward Tuesdays and hello skipped breakfast and flailing concentration. So with this cheeky little snack, I have a 2 hour Public Affairs lecture to blame for 114% of my daily recommended sugar allowance being consumed in the space of 25 minutes.

Smoked salmon salad with roast Mediterranean vegetables

A plate almost completely consumed by vegetables, by 8pm is becoming far too familiar a sight in attempts to redeem myself, following a day of snacking. Asda's reduced counter I owe the majority of the contents of my fridge to: Since starting University, smoked salmon was one ingredient I deemed immediately off limits; far too self indulgent.  However, when it's marked down to half price, well, it's somewhat easier to reconsider your so-called shopping morals. I'm a self proclaimed bargain binger; perhaps I was a scavenger in a previous life. But everything just tastes so much sweeter when you've paid a fraction of its original price for it! 

Well, provided it doesn't give you food poisoning...

Tricks of the Trade - The Perfect Hot Chocolate

Before coming to University, I worked as a humble little waitress at the culinary and social hub of Newton Abbot, The Pizza Cafe. Whilst there, I picked up a few nifty tricks which come in surprisingly handy day to day, and being the kind hearted soul that I am, shall impart them onto you...

So first of all...a good old fashioned hot chocolate. Perfect for perking you up after a long day of lectures or just chilling on the sofa with (it makes a liver-friendly alternative to the usual pint!)

Ever noticed how they taste so much better when you buy them from Costa/Starbucks as opposed to your usual boil-a-kettle-pour-in-powder jobby? All this superior version requires is cocoa powder (easily raided from the back of your Mum's bakery cupboard) , sugar and milk.

First, scoop 1 teaspoon of both cocoa and sugar into a mug. Don't try and be clever and save on calories by missing out the sugar, believe me it will end up tasting foul! Then add just a splash of boiling water to this, stirring until it forms a thin paste. To this, stir in milk, then bung in the microwave for about a minute...voila! Whipped cream is obviously optional, but I'm always apparently looking for unnecessary ways of adding calories into my day therefore needn't think twice before squeezing away :)

On the menu...Monday 21st

Tuna Steak with Roast Vegetables

After a week of practically living from a diet of various takeaways and, unsurprisingly, copious amounts of alcohol (am I able to get away with blaming Valentines week for this!?) this is my attempt at turning over a new healthy leaf. Indeed, I have conveniently chosen not to include the 5 mini Toblerones I ate whilst blogging earlier, or the leftover sausage roll of my flatmates...but heck, good intentions must count for something!?

Epic artery cloggage...

Epic Mealtime. I was introduced to this little beauty by one of my flatmates...This really does take greediness to a whole new level! Its morbidly fascinating. Not entirely sure now whether I'm really hungry or going to be sick, either way I'm certain that I won't feel too guilty next time I tuck into a Big Mac...
EpicMealTimes Youtube Channel

A few memorable University meals to date...

I have never been an abominable cook, yet since coming to University am met with a bizarrely overwhelming sense of pride every time I manage to produce an edible looking plate of food. Not entirely convinced about the psychology behind that little mystery, however! As a result I appear to have collected somewhat of a stash of pictures consisting of meals...I'm sure you'll recognise a few yourself!

This single snapshot adequately encapsulates the 2 week period that was Freshers; nothing less than a Boot-camp stylee regime of Bernard Matthew's nibbles served in a hazy state at 3am Vs excessive amounts of alcohol. Perhaps a picture of the SU bar would have summed up the fortnight more appropriately.

Mmm...DIPPERS.

  From one extreme to the next, after depriving my body of anything with any remote nutritional value during freshers, here arrived one of the least studenty meals possible. Taking advantage of my Hall's constant source of overpriced pre-paid electricity I felt it necessary to take full advantage, thus leaving my Jacket potato in the oven for a mighty 3 hours. Impressive.

So, technically not a solid meal...but the sheer size of this alcoholic creation should deem it as a meal in itself. Half a bottle of rum, sloshed along with vodka, malibu and anything else we could get our hands on teamed with a carton of orange juice...Ouch. Proof if proof needed, that there's a reason bar's don't serve cocktails from laundry baskets.

A cut above your bog standard student meal. Originally intended to be my Boyfriend's efforts to prove himself as a credible Chef, nonetheless ending in me preparing it after his struggling to cut the chicken breast in half. Potatoes dauphinoise (pictured to the right!) is probably the most pretentious way possible of describing what is essentially potato bake! Add equal parts of double cream to milk in a pint glass, and stir in some finely chopped garlic if you're living with people tolerant of kitchen whiffs. Pour over a tray of finely-sliced part-boiled potatoes, cover with grated cheese and whack in the oven...Proper posh hangover munch!

A homage to the great foodie icons

Cookery programmes seem to have reached their all time notoriety- Brilliant for people like me, whom returning from the kitchen faced with bare, sad little cupboards require some food-based comforting! (Or merely attempt to numb a grumbling stomach with the false hopes of a satisfying meal!)

Here's a little Wall of Fame to my favourite Chef's adorning the silver screen...

NIGELLA LAWSON

The honey-glazed Goddess herself. She's as alluring as the calorie-ridden treats she's become infamous for...yep, safe to say I have somewhat of a girl crush on this fine specimen of a human being. But then again, I can't remember the last person I spoke to that didn't aswell! 

Anyway! Her sheer theme of laziness adopted throughout her most recent series Nigella Kitchen arguably could easily form the basis of any student's Kitchen ritual.

In fact, regardless of any cooking whatsoever, she's worth a watch purely for innuendo-fuelled chuckles! Here's Harry Hill's selection of Nigella's best bits for your amusement...

HESTON BLUMENTAL 

All the limitless imagination of a child combined with the street-smarts and technical ability of a Michelin-star awarded Chef. Like a modern day Willy Wonka, Heston conjures up sheerly unbelieveable delights in his series Heston's Feasts. Amazing to watch, however personally I wouldn't recommend many of his recipes on the mere grounds of health and safety- How successfully can setting fire to an edible mythical creature ever possibly go!? Plus I'm pretty certain an ejaculating cake and vibrating jelly oversteps the line of decency.

GORDON RAMSAY

So, he may resemble a rhinoceros and he may possess the tact of a bazooka shot between the eyes...but that's why I love him! A stark contrast to Heston's fluffed-up, preened meals, Ramsay offers simple, bold, hearty recipes. The phrases 'proper MAN food' springs to mind!

His insulting skills are second to none, and perhaps we could all learn a thing or two from his no-nonsence approach. Fastforward to 0.15" for a prime example of Ramsay's Kitchen authority in action: Gordon Ramsay's F-Word

Just as a warning though, I'm not advocating shouting at your flatmates every 5 minutes if their hob skills are less than impressive!

JAMIE OLIVER

After dominating the UK with his healthy eating scheme the original cheeky Chappy appears to be focusing his attentions Stateside, with similar aims. 

However, courtesy of 4od us busy students can pick up a tip or two from Jamie's 30 Minute Meals- even if we do have to replace the occasional lavish dressing of smoked salmon for a more wallet-friendly substitute.

DAVE LAMB

Okay, okay...so not technically a chef. But as the comedic brains and wit behind Channel 4's cult Come Dine With Me I feel he deserves some level of credit. It is his snappy narration that has kept us hooked throughout what is arguably an excessive 22 series of benign kitchen mishaps. And for that, we congratulate him.

First thing's first...

I'm Maddy, 19, currently studying Multimedia Journalism at Bournemouth University.

Truth be told, I'm a fatty at heart. Food is integral to my everyday life. If I'm not buying it, preparing it or eating it- chances are I'm thinking about it!
Over the years I've had a mixed relationship with food- From gorging on it - to starving myself from it. But now, whilst undertaking my first year of University away from the comforts of Mother's cooking, I feel it somewhat of a duty to dispell the Myth's that surround Student's (distinct lack of) culinary ability.

So why not combine my love for all things foodie with that of writing? ;)

From recipes and tips to up-to-date money saving offers, hopefully this Blog will inspire you to make a raid on Asda and get baking!